Thursday, November 12, 2009

all the fashion news you can handle at one time

Ladies and gentlemen, here is your Buenos Aires fashion report:
Let’s start with the old ladies of this blessed land. These women know exactly what they’re doing with proportion and details. If you are an aging yet fashionable woman here, here is your uniform: a puffy blouse tucked into a pencil skirt, paired with slingbacks. Red lipstick. And bling, wherever you want to wear it. We pass 80 year olds in the street who look more pulled together than Carolina Herrera and Anna Wintour combined. And always, ALWAYS, pairs of old lady friends show up at whatever café we’re in looking like the newest issue of Elderly Vogue. We have seen countless little sets of amigas with palsy and manicures whispering secrets to each other over tiny empanadas. Elderly of Bs. As., I salute you for looking classier than every Florida retiree in existence and for reminding me that there is room for style after a certain age, and it doesn’t involve matching sweat combos with kittens on them.

These cranky old bats are not indicative mood-wise of most women here, but they do have scarves and pearl earrings. Note the sneaky angle of the camera as I tried to document them without igniting their wrath.

Next up: dear baby Jesus and all his holy angels, where did all these MEN COME FROM? These men who know how to wear a three piece suit like they’ve been doing it since toddlerhood? I’m flying them back to the States so they can teach seminars with titles like “How to Tuck In Your Shirt 101” and “Shoe Polish and Irons: What You’ve Been Missing Out On.” Or “Even If You Aren’t in the Fortune 500, You Can Look Like a Damn Supermodel Just Walking Down the Street.” It’s jaw-dropping, the miracles these guys work with a decent tailor and a well-placed belt. Oh, and impeccable bone structure on each and every one of them doesn’t hurt either. I keep wanting do some street photography to show you what these men are doing to our sartorial standards but I get SO SHY whenever I see one of them coming my way. Just use your imaginations, people.

However, even in the city of a thousand fashion hits, there is at least one MAJOR miss. Now this unfortunate look can be seen on all ages, body types and confidence levels, which is part of why it’s so upsetting. Here we have a classic example of the Pants That Will Not Be Contained:

Yes, what you have seen is a tight ankle/calf situation leading up to a baggy thigh area, complete with pockets that don’t fall with the rest of the pant. Combine this with color choices from magenta to tennis ball green and friends, we have a fashion disaster on our hands. In their natural habitat, these pants can be seen most often with their cousins, the infamous Dreadlocked Mullet and Nonsensical English Phrase on a T-shirt. This look can be described as “horrifying.”
This concludes your live Bs. As. Fashion rundown. Signing out,

(I Wear Wrinkled American Apparel Dresses and Cowboy Boots Every Day and Thus Have No Room to Judge)

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