Monday, April 19, 2010

jersey shore hits miami.

We really could have been something, Vinnie. Ok. Let it be known that I am FULLY aware that Jersey Shore is a cast of the most terribly vapid people on earth, who survive for little more than Jaeger Bombs and AquaNet. However, I'm not immune to the trashy charms and Mar and I may or may not have clung to some small vestige of Americana by watching the first season religiously on I would ask you to please not judge, but on second thought, judge away.

So I'd say I'm kind of an expert. Ask me a question about Snooki's poof. Ask me about Pauly D's piercings. I'll tell you how charming I find Vinnie and how I think J-Woww is just a misunderstood soul. These vile douchebags are real to me, which is why when we became their neighbors in Miami, a thrill went through the crowd (our small crowd consisting of 5 girls who have a hard time playing things cool).

The first sightings were exciting: the cast standing around looking smaller than they do on TV and very bored. Here's a question: do they play these characters because they're what they fell into on the first season? Or, worse, are these really their personalities? We caught them buying sunglasses looking bored. We watched them drive around in their big black Escalade looking bored. We spotted them working at the gelato shop (hilarious move, MTV! A bunch of Italians at a gelato shop! It's genius!) and across the bar...looking bored. But we had yet to see them in action at a club, because apparently Miami is onto their skeeziness and won't let them in anywhere, as we flitted around Mynt and LIV and Set happily and anonymously.

So the last night, we slummed it a bit and went to B.E.D., by far the most ghetto club we had been to yet and the only one that charged us to get in. ("I'm giving you guys a deal by only asking for $10. It's normally $30. Do you want me to yell it?" was the beginning of the attitude from the Eastern European bouncer who thought so highly of himself in his new Miami job. He later said that if we didn't want to pay, we should just go find an Irish Pub. Cool insult, Jean-Claude!)

Once our vision cleared the half dozen strobe lights and adjusted to the awkward mixes, we found the cast doing exactly what you'd expect them to do: Ronnie was imploring Sammy to stop crying and whining as she folded her arms in the corner (on the real: how do guys deal with that?). Snooki was dancing by herself and getting sassy with the meatheads who tried to dance with her (and I thought she was Snooking for love?!). Unfortunately for me, Vinnie was making out with a chick that looked a lot like that go-go dancer that Justin Timberlake cheated on Jessica with; he is also pocket-sized, so that's two strikes. When it comes down to it, I probably only wanted him for his mom's lasagna anyway.

And then we have THE SITUATION. The girls talked with him a few times over the course of the week and by all appearances he was just a nice guy with overdeveloped deltoids and a penchant for only using half his mouth to smile. But watching this man in action live at the club was like observing Stephen Hawking calculate the pending contraction of the universe: a man 100% in his element. However, instead of the "hippoes" and "grenades" of yesteryear, these girls were pretty cute. Full of good conversation and original ideas as well, I'm sure. But the best move I have ever seen happen, EVER, in a public venue, was when one of the girls did a little booty drop on The Sitch and he shrugged and grinned straight into the camera like a creepy weasel who just can't help how much the ladies love him. Barf.

However, I can't wait to watch the new season because odds are good that for at least a few scenes, there will be an awkward set of Seattlites in the background of a fake-boobed, neon-spandex-clad club scene. I also feel a little smug that we stayed in a nicer place than the cast, could actually get into clubs, and could fester in our own condo whenever we wanted. Plus, Marlo brought home cigars and papas rellenas from Little Havana, and I'm willing to bet that Angelina doesn't even know what that is. Viva la Jersey Shore-- I'll be counting down the days until season two!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I had originally planned to watch Jersey Shore for all its guido goodness, but you and Marlo just gave me two new reasons! Beat up that beat!