en route.

Dear Asia:

Ok! We're on our way, but I want to set up some ground rules before we land on your sesame oil soaked shores so we're all on the same page here.

1. Feed me. I want to roll home as a little ball of happy chubbiness brought on by rice noodles and kimchi. But I don't care how cultural it is, I'm not eating canine, so don't EVEN try to slip it into my pad thai.

2. Keep your sex trafficking away from me. I'm so not joking. Also, I don't want to see more than one girl shoot a ping pong ball out of her hooha (just one, because I've heard too much about it, but no more than that, capisce?).

3. Please don't let me get into a tuk-tuk crash, get malaria at Angkor Wat, robbed in Siem Reap, hit by a tidal wave at any point, or bit by a rabid dog. I forgot to buy travel insurance. Whoopsies!

4. Okay, Cambodia, I've heard some stories about you and I will say this: if you actually have abandoned babies in the streets like they say and if you really leave them lying around in my line of sight, I am really going to need some ideas on how to smuggle them past US Customs in my backpack on the way home. Just saying. Little documentation help, please.

5. If some fluke "accident" happens and there is an incident at the North Korean DMZ, DO NOT SEND BILL CLINTON TO COME GET ME. I know he rescues girls who cross that border from 12 year prison sentences and all, but I'm a little nervous about the jet flight back to the States, if you get my drift. I'll do the hard labor in Pyongyang instead, thanks.

So glad we had this chat, Asia! If you need me, I'll be enjoying the free drinks on KoreanAir and landing a little disoriented in Seoul, so come pick me up in front of the airport. Toodles.